White Russians with skim milk. Fuck I'm healthy.
i got us presents. or arrested. we shall see!
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
I woke up with like grass burns all over my body, i'm pretty sure i made out with someone under a bus. . . but i'm not sure
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
If a hot cougar texts u and says "back massage, blow job".... you show the fuck up.
Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Can you think of a sexual word rhyming with snorkel?
I shaved my asshole for you. You WILL fuck me tonight.
Let's drink tonight I promise I'll make it out of the house
Pretty sure we ruined a bachelorettes life last night
Never going back to jail again. Only time in my life I've ever had a wet dream about jerking it...
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