Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore
we did it on the carpet and she just yells out "OH. MY PSORIASIS".
I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.
i'm not a hellocoptur, but youer in a dorm ans im un a dorm
why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu
Just pissed in my own closet. Had no idea adult dinner parties could he so awesome.
I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.
So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.
My roommates just built a mini golf course upstairs while I was sleeping.
Just took plan b with my eggs and chai...homecoming got the best of me already
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
BABE I MISS YOU SO MUCH LIKE THE SADNESS OVERWHELMS BONER ABILITY
I don't know when he had the time to do it but he dug a hole in our basement like the shawshank redemption
So apparently being drunk at work isn't allowed.. who knew?
Imagine how different my life would be if I could find a man who gave me more pleasure than pizza at 2am when I'm drunk.
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