Jon and Kate. Drink everytime we see tears. Drink twice if a child cries. Finish your bev if you cry.
His pick-up line from last night: "I bet you cant climb these stairs right now." Needless to say.. it worked.
i sold my breathalizer so i could buy weed
I honestly can't remember your justification for putting peanut butter on your cell phone.
Russell brand is gross. Everytime I see him I just wanna give him a bath. He's like a used condom.
Remember when I asked you to make sure I didn't go home with anything less than a 6 last night? You're fired
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
I know, my friend Erin took me into the bathroom at work and poured pickle juice on me.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
this is honestly why we're friends. we drink tea and plan to do drugs together.
You know you hit Mardi Grad bottom when you come to in someone's kitchen on the floor and you are eating gumbo out of a Mixing bowl with a ladle......yeah rock fucking bottom
When I go to hand him the blunt and he's eating a cookie and responds with "let me hit this cookie"
How weird is it that 2 people I've had sex with have the same birthday and they don't even know each other
WHY THE FUCK DOES RICKY'S BROTHER GET AN ENTIRE POT OF PASTA FOR BEING SHIRTLESS AND ALL I GET IS ARRESTED?!
Slept with a member of the band last night, found out today after extensive stalking he’s engaged. Pro tip: don’t research one night stands.
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