Haha na a cat just ran under your car. Howd that happen?
Probably a woman cat. Doesnt think things through
Sitting in the library lobby in the middle of exam week. Drunk. Dressed as santas slutty helper. Waiting for the student shuttle service. People are clapping for me as they walk by. Tell me how this isnt college
I only had sex with her cause she looked like jwoww from jersey shore
at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.
I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.
Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?
No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.
She just tricked me into telling her the balance of my 401k... She's like a gold digging jedi mind trick ninja
And to top it off I think that was the first time in history that anyone has used "oh just taking care of her grandmother and doing porn" in the same sentence.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
ALSO I MAYBE ACCIDENTALLY HAND CUFFED MYSELF TO A CHAIR
You drink too much. You cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You're everything I've ever wanted in a friend.
Hey guys so who is Justin McGoo and why did I text him "fuck yooooouuu juuuustiiin mcgooo" at 12:06am on Thursday night?
I'm fucking camped out by the bathrooms. I think the poopatrator is in there. Wtf is my life
Almost an end to the saga.
Your penis caused this!
Randomize
