You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.
I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted
You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..
running late. just ran over a dude on a bike
i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room
So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Okay now that I've been wanting to eat these hot cheetos in the bathroom, I know it's time I need to stop smoking and go to sleep.
ahhhh just came to creep and you're not there AND your thong you were wearing last night is on the floor..someone has some explaining to do
No more. You can't have nice things, and vodka is a nice thing.
Trying to figure out what I just puked. Demon weed is salad. No more drunk buffets.
He came over apologized for his lack of sexual skills. Cleaned my kitchen cooked me dinner. And gave me another one minute stand. I think im okay with this
If you enjoy dance recitals as much as I do, that's one shitty Father's Day...
Is there ever a non-asshole time to play the "I was a child prodigy" card?
like, there should be nothing wrong with me wanting to watch you put on a bikini and roll around in a kiddie pool of jello
Randomize
