This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.
i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.
Come down. Bring Jorts. We're getting ready for this tricycle race like champions.
Yeah I should probably start planning our first conversation instead of our first child.
No but the chipped one is crooked now. Clearly I didn't use my hands to break my fall. I used my face
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
I just blew my weed a kiss
Note to self: if you decide to go to the gym when you're coming down from your day high to shoot some hoops, do NOT play pickup basketball with the big black dudes who need a sixth
Just saw our highschool guidance counselor at the bar and he's taken six shots in the last hour. Those teenagers have fucking hardened him.
I just saw someone dressed as a bear leave your house on a motorcycle. I guess you guys are having a good time.
I just woke up to my family in the living room watching our security camera tape of me last night talking to a stop sign in our backyard... How the fuck did I get that in the yard?
11:30pm - Shots together. 12:15pm Shots together. 12:45pm Shots together. 9:30am Plan B's together.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Just FYI: if you happen to notice a liquid of some sort on my kitchen counter with an interesting color/ texture, don't taste it
Randomize