oh and i feel obligated to inform you that there will be no sexin' because it's 'lady time' for me. so this ain't a booty call.
Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches
I started drinking at 10.30am. Ive got a solid buzz, ive decided holidays are to be treated like gamedays
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers
I'm thinking we can stop tracking my sex life by the hotels I've hooked up in and instead use bar bathrooms I've gotten head in.
Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.
"Let's chug a beer then make out" doesn't sound as nice, but it would prob make him cum right there.
That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station
I. Did. In fact. Sprain. My liver. This. Weekend.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
