I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
Marriage: a sacred union between one man and one woman, and another woman in Argentina.
No, drunk sperm still make babies.
I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.
the dude from the bar called to tell his mom about me immediately after we finished PLEASE COME GET ME
Sarah Palin is going to have a show on the discovery channel...Can I get a moment of silence for knowledge?
Actually it's really just going to be me drunk in your living room swinging from a pole on a tuesday morning.
A man in a black on black escalade pulled up next to me, and told me he was sent to pick me up by you.
His name is Tyreece. He will take you to the weed emporium, population me.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
So TMI but just realizing I have not masturbated since trump took office. He's sucked the sex drive out of me.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
WHY ARE THE COPS ALWAYS AT DENNYS WHEN IMDRUNK!?
So...I'm pretty sure I have officially determined that reverse cowgirl is the only position possible to have sex in my smart four two
Randomize
