my boobs are a 3G dead zone. as soon as i take my phone out of my bra, it has a signal again.
Surefire way to sober up: discover that your car is being towed at 2 am.
I love how you are more concerned with what i call my penis than the fact i wanna bone some high school chicks
Went biking. Saw homeless guy beating in the park. Thought of you <3
found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college
i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
And by go well you mean everyone's hammered right?
Yupp. And someone's bleeding
Gregs sitting in the living room in his underwear hitting the bong watching a rob schneider movie. His lack of fuck giving is inspirational
Do you know how to get blood out of tile grout?
I think I have to break up with him. I just cried, not moaned, screamed, etc, cried, with tears of sadness and disappointment when I came.
I'm trying to be all porn star and he's making it all The Notebook
I almost had sex at the fire station last night and I need you to acknowledge all the awesomeness that is in that sentence.
Tinder in Coventry is like browsing a gallery of mugshots from Azkaban
Listen, some people have dreams, some people just want to cock slap a kangaroo
Randomize
