Dude, I totally just put a lit lighter to my hand for 10 seconds
How much beer did you get for it?
One ice cold coors, but those mountains lied
theres no point in washing my sheets anymore. its always going to be a fine layer of booze and semen.
i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks
i think the doormans mad at me
well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.
YOU CHEATED ON ME WITH THE WOMAN THAT IS STAYING AT YOUR HOUSE. FORGIVE ME IF IM NOT THINKING YOUR A DEDICATED BOYFRIEND.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
I just want to nap and funnel a bottle of wine in a cute dress
He kept saying I needed to go to the hospital and it just made me want to call him a pussy so I went to bed
I think I'm gonna cut my hair just so I stop waking up with semen in it
Y'know i appreciate how accepting you are of me being a terrible person.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
you can see where the duct tape was on my nipple
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