the "happy anniversary" cake for my mom and dad is about to turn into the "yeah, that's a hickey, welcome back from italy" cake.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
You need to get here now. A drunk girl just stumbled into our apartment. shes laying on the floor by our door.
my mom just wingman'd for me at a bar. i really don't know what else to say.
all i remember is screaming butter knifes are for pussies.
My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now
He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time
I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest
I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.
You're my favorite person
He yelled "Go Ducks" while he came
We should probably start extreme couponing for the morning after pill.
Got kicked out of the club and woke up at a frat house. Good night? Couldn't tell you. I got a date out of it I'm glad someone thinks my drinking problem is cute.
And when were you going to tell me to stop dancing on his coffee table singing "come on irene?"
He made me ask permission to to cum and it made me cum.
Okay, let's just all take a step back and think about how funny this will seem in like a year... Maybe 2 if his nose is actually broken.
Randomize
