Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?
I woke up in a house cuddled up with a beagle on a futon. have no idea who anyone is but they all call me stretch. yeaaahhh boiiiiii
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.
Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands
i made a dollar
tequilla shots with my grandparents? christmas visiting just got so much better
He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.
I have poison ivy on my dick
WHAT
I'm trying to poop and took acid, this is going to end horrid or wonderful. Oh the amusement park, not the pooping.
You know what a wolf looks like when it kills a small animal? How it shakes it around in it's mouth? I did that to a bag of Taco Bell last night
Judging by the progress I've made since I woke up (none) I'm thinking this hangover may keep me in bed.
I was going to do a cardio thing but then tacos.
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
Woke up with a $100 bill from the Philippines in my bra & an unopened box of sour patch kids next to me. I have some questions.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
