I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.
I spent my night drunkenly staring at a picture of John Stamos. How do you think I feel?
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.
the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.
I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate
I just had to dig under a pile of condoms in my desk drawer to get to a blue book. Summer is officially over.
What I love about college? The kid tripping balls has a kayak made readily available to him on any given Wednesday, Saturday, or Sunday.
told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..
how did he take it?
not as well as i would have thought
I'm considering offering a class on how to find good porn.
I'm not sure... How do you tell someone who was so smashed they couldn't remember shoving their dick into the fireplace that their mother actually witnessed the whole thing?
Your next boyfriend should be from MENSA...you're so smart, it's intimidating as fuck. My penis retracted in fear.
I just loudly threatened to kill a self checkout machine
My parents are now taking hits off a joint. Thank you.
I'm sorry i showed you my boobs.. I probably shouldn't have done that.
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