We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.
We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"
Sorry i'm not sorry i made out with your dad. It was father's day weekend, get a grip
What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?
Its 11 o'clock somewhere
I finally looked at the pictures from last night thanks for feeding me and pulling my pants up
I'd just like to inform all involved that walking into a liquor store holding a milk crate at the beginning of a night as stock ends badly
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
Our innocent game of 'Duck, duck, booze.' ended up not being so innocent
lets talk about you, dubstep, and a bunny suit.
Not only did my parents pick me up from his hotel room in the morning, but he also came outside and had a casual little chat with my dad through the driver's side windrow.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
I must be really high or they really did just bring me a banana split instead of a burger
I don't think getting eaten out in a smart car behind a circle-k on my break by a guy I just met classifies as social distancing, but I'm beginning to love night shift more and more.
Randomize
