happiness is walking an amphibious rodent on a leash
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I incognito puked under the VIP table. Did Jersey proud.
Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...
she found out just an hour ago that she might have cervical cancer. either way we're watching 50/50 and taking a shot of patron anytime anyone says cancer.
I'm sorry that I didn't get belligerently drunk and did not put my penis on your neck again
Best part of leaving the university? Interns are as hot as my former students, not legally off limits, and they will do anything for a full time job.
Why do guys insist on chatting me up this early in the morning? I'm just like "Dude, I look like the bastard child of Einstein and a troll doll. Let me eat my Hot Pocket in peace."
Played never have I ever with high schoolers today. Needless to say they brought up threesomes so I had to make a judgement call and decided to not put my finger down
A thong just fell out of my purse in front of my whole class maybe I should stop using this morning class as my walk of shame
I looked into this "it's just lunch" matchmaker thing and it was like 5 grand. If I'm gonna spend five grand I'll throw in another three and get new tits and find my own fucking husband.
Randomize
