I met the friendliest cop last night
why is allison so mad at me??
me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".
crap..
i would one night stand the shit outta him
i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.
At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.
I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist
I just stole some rubbers from the girl I stayed with last night so I can use them on a different girl today..
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
still not dressed at 5:00, jacking off watching men's figure skating and hoping my weird roommate doesn't walk in. anybody who says idk how to have fun is wrong
you know she was a bad idea when your mom offers to pay for an eHarmony account
This day took a left turn at "This is your going away party, I got a bunch of blow."
I did stay at work til 5 but for the last hour I was just taking naked pics on my desk for some tinder guy
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
The whole country is going to hell in a handbasket but I got a grade A fucking and don't particularly care.
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