The hookah bar is playing i'm on a boat. I believe in god again.
But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."
Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.
i threw up on the table at the pizza place and peed in her room mates closet. i wouldnt invite me back either
Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.
he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.
Somehow I don't trust you in this state to talk to you about a colonoscopy
I just realized the only way to play Edward forty-hands is commando in a skirt. This intelligence kick is really doing me justice.
I mean, you've seen me eat pizza, sober, out of a garbage can, and yet I refuse to go eat at that place. Just sayin....
Thanks so much for having me, I'm really sorry that I almost caused your dog to catch on fire and also for breaking your doorknob
You stopped loving me for a minute.
You sent me "Is nap," I don't think that really counts as a conversation starter.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
Well I'm glad your Saturday night went a lot better than mine. I spent mine crying in a McDonald's parking lot.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
