John tries to set me up, and she has 1 arm. I'm a nice guy, but 2 arms is kinda a requirement
what happened last night?
u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style
that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left
I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.
I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.
Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.
And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
putting weed in the twinkies box was possibly the best idea you've ever had
in other news, i feel like i just shat out all my sins.
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
Sometimes you've gotta crawl to stay concious
You're always so late and I'm always so drunk.
I'm kinda sad I'm leaving the bank. I never got to have rough sex in the vault.
That's why my boobs are so big, they're full of secrets.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
When you start lapping your martini like a cat it's time to go home. Partys over.
Randomize
