If I saw Perez Hilton naked I think I would stick a lit candle down my throat.
I was thinking about baking his mom "sorry you found out i was sleeping with your son" cupcakes
I just fell off my chair and knocked over the table. People are staring. That hungover.
And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing
They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.
Does it make me immature that I debated going to this baby shower stoned, or am I normal as shit and everyone our age are having babies too young?
I got back from work this morning after working the night shift to find an NFL player scaling the side of our apartment...from your window. He just took sneaking out to all new level. Care to explain?
I think that about sums it up, actually.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
Things that happen while I poop: I start dating someone
Have you ever been so drunk you pass out in the cab and everyone goes inside and forgets about you? I have
I'm hosting my annual valentine's day party tomorrow with every hookup I've ever had. thoughts on how it will turn out ??
So uh... Did you mail me business cards that describe my profession as "tortured soul"?
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Here’s how sick I am. I’m not hungry. I don’t want coffee. And I don’t want dick. So, you know it’s bad.
Do you knowhow much it sucks to puke in an automatic toilet? Not fun.
Ew.
It takes talent let's just say that
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