96 perecent sure i just took a shower with socks
We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.
We can grow old together and our livers can fail together
I'm drunk and you're awesome. let's stay this way forever.
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!
He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?
I've actually, minus lsat night have actually changed my drinking habits
Do you remember peeing in the sink while I was throwing up?
No ma'am, I do not. I found a video of us trying to do a trust fall though. Emphasis on the trying.
I snapchatted him nudes and he didn't screenshot a single one of them because he's a gentleman.
Woke up with two different pairs of pants in the pockets of a jacket.None of the above are mine.
My mom just busted me rolling a blunt on her bathroom counter. ...all she said was fuck it it's Christmas
Something I never want to forget. I'm in a porta potty and she is outside knocking on the door going "You're a queen. You're a queen. Never think any different"
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize