i either just vomited on a lesbian or a small boy
Dude you called me last night to let me listen to you piss in a cup and drink it. Just making sure you survived
It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.
No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.
All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups
Saying we were separated at birth, got on a ship and sailed here via onion barrel from Somalia didn't help our case at all....
Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?
It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
I'm using the bullet from my cock ring to massage out my tmj lock jaw from giving too much head.
In brighter news I got condoms and a mattress protector today.
I didn't even realize I grinded on a security guard last night. Shit. Did he at least like it?
it's like he didn't even know what a vagina was
I just texted him from the other room to come have sex with me-stress relieved
You are such a millennial
I have mystery bruises on my right knee, right arm, under my chin, and on my forehead. What the fuck happened last night??
Randomize
