Just cropdusted the office
and she was petting her beer can
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.
They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.
Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.
You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.
I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse
new girl just came onto the hall stumbling drunk with no shoes on and the guy who brought her doesn't have them either
Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.
first thing my tuition money buys is a strap on
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
Unless you count my weekly workout where I drink wine, listen to obscure/cheesy records, and pretend I'm a ballerina...no. I don't exercise.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
im looking at the positives. number one it stopped me from hooking up with vince infront of his girl, number two it gave me something to do instead of throwing up and number three i fuckin rocked his world
Lighting a fucking bong with a candle. Straight up dedication.
Randomize
