Tears do usually get me what I want. That and oral sex.
apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?
and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
You blacked out and walked in on my neighbor breast feeding at 3am yelling "where is my best friend". I think we should go apologize.
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
YOU GOT KINKY WEIRD ICE CREAM HEAD ON FRIDAY DONT EVEN COMPLAIN.
Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable
He sent me a poorly photoshopped picture of his shaved dick wearing a Hot Dog on A Stick titled "Shorndog"...
I just told the toilet I loved it. Bad sign.
Someone wrote "gnarballz" on my fridge in black marker. I'm pissed, but more concerned I slept with the one who did it
Like will they card me for my own whiskey in shampoo bottles?
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
It's ok, I did squats with my bottle of wine before I opened it. That counts as the gym since I won't be getting there haha
Randomize
