Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.
we should wear snuggies to the strip club
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
passed a homeless guy with a sign that read "420 vetran" we gave him a bowl of bud
In the UK. Bar special, every drink costs a pound. I'm two shots away from being deported. God save the queen.
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Dude, those shrooms u gave me made me remember writing the bible. Fuckn awesome
No he's great. He's trying to do "sexy stuff" for me now, which is pretty hilarious. He stirred my daiquiri with his penis last night. He also tied a bouquet of flowers around it.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I can't believe i just offerred a guy a burrito and head, and got turned down. Officially celibate now.
Oh dear God, they have a song about Mom...
All I need to do is acquire a Shrek costume.
Please don't traumatize your girlfriend too terribly. Have fun.
But actually he solved 40% of my life problems just in one dicking
Are you rolling a joint while doing homework?
No, I am rolling a joint with my homework.
As much as I hate to admit it, some day ill need a man because I can't open jars myself and you can't 69 a dildo
Like I don't even know how to respond to this?
Randomize
