imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"
I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.
Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?
I literally had to tap out of the blow job. It was like a pornographic wrestling match
i had to wake up at 4 am to do my laundry because I was afraid if I saw people in the laundry room they would judge me by the amount of clothes I had covered in vomit from syllabus week
Weird we were more concerned with sharing our germs than tag teaming the blow job?
Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.
So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays
Sorry I disappeared. Do you hate me?
Not at all, did you not hear me clapping outside your car on our way out?
The dog just shocked himself by peeing on Christmas lights, should I have saw that coming?
Well I'm over here squandering a fabulous hair day and radiant complexion
Our breakfast options are microwave popcorn, wavy lays and fireball
we had to invent a new word for how drunk I was last night
So what we learned was that it doesn't matter how skinny the stripper is, if she sits on your knee with a torn acl for two hours it's going to swell up
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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