We smoked a joint and talked about his parent's divorce. It was like being fifteen all over again.
So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
there is a dude in the bar with no arms getting fed beers by his friends
On a scale of one to everyone dying I say let's aim for a 7
My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
All together there was 318 cigarette butts in the pool... And my microwave.
so far, I've observed him try to hit on 3 girls, 1 guy and a bar stool. Humanity is amazing from a sober point of view.
I told my doctor about us having twin chlamydia
I was so high. I had so much hair. It was like all my hair follicles exploded.
I'm on the Coaster ride of shame, currently sitting across two nice old ladies smelling like condoms.
Do you ever wake up and realize playing beer pong with your parents wasnt a dream? Your mom really beat you
3 weeks in a row I've pulled '69' at the deli counter...God is giving me shit for not getting laid in a year....
Randomize
