Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
I am midnight drunk by noon
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.
I just threw up in the bathroom next to the zebra exhibit. The kids don't know I skipped a beat. Best nanny, ever.
Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?
Vomiting outside the employee entrance
Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
but how can he casually chat with my father 8 hours after asking me if i'm a screamer
I wish the guy I was sleeping with wasn't on house arrest.
Sitting in my car feasting on the spoils of Taco Bell as Donna Lewis croons "I love you, always forever." A more perfect moment will never exist.
So apparently I initiate sex in my sleep
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