my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
is it bad that the cashier at chick-fil-a shouted "see you tomorrow!" as i drove away?
shes got a really nice body. but her face is eh.
you dont need a face to have sex
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
Can you check your dirty laundry bag for my tooth.
you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.
Nice. Don't spend your therapist's co-pay on Jaeger bombs.
Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.
How the fuck did you end up in a tree? With multiple people?
It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
You invited the cop in for a "Celebrity shot"
I found a video on my phone from last night... You got up on the table at McDonald's and screamed BURRITOOO!
Well, I turned down sex again. This is guy #5 in the past 2 weeks. My vagina is going to seek emancipation.
Did I just pee in the Taco Bell parking lot?
Yep. But do you remember wiping with my quesadilla?
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