I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
you drank a bottle of vodka and then while throwing up in my toilet you kept reminding me our hs reunion was in 2 yrs and it was time to start getting thin again anyway
last time I sleep in the lobby. woke up to some girl asking me what floor I lived on. somebody put me, couch included, on the elevator.
Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.
He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.
Why doesn't the washer have a puke setting?
You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
He's texting from midnight mass asking for nude pics. Baby Jesus is spinning in his manger as we speak
I think I'm done drinking. How did we end up partying at a frat house with my mom...
it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave
I just got a job offer for Australia. Unfortunately I have given the name of Whitney
I just told 2 of my vibrators "I love you." I seriously need some dick.
Someone just said “I need to use up this money before I’m tits up under the dirt” so I think I’m going to start using that in my daily vocabulary.
I woke up in my bed with candy and beer bottles all around me and i dont know where any of it came from. I love valentines day.
Randomize
