So drunk its hurt
from now on, im only gona ahve sex with my boyfriend.
opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling
mondays should just be called national damage control day
"I could never have "feelings" for someone who, at one point, wanted to "hate fuck" my face."
I know it's not your turn to do the dishes, but since they're covered in your puke, it is.
porn star boner night. come get it.
He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat
I woke up in your car in the McDonalds parking lot. What the hell happened to 'no man left behind'?
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
This just spotted: a bagpiping Elmo on the street.
it's taken me 3 hours to eat this pudding cup. I think I am melting.
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
I pour the whiskey from now on
Randomize
