I had one margarita and got the worst headache of my life... its like my liver has senior week ptsd
you can officially check off peeing off the 5th floor while shouting "I want to break the guinness world record for longest piss stream" off your college to do list.
Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?
You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you
Bruce the cab driver wants to take me on a date to see Taken 2
Your stoned with a 2 year old in the room....and that makes you want to have babies?!
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?
I only blacked out one night of three if that isn't fucking personal growth idk what is
I just lifted up my shirt to scratch my stomach n a Dorito flew out of my pullover n it legit scared me when it hit me.
I used my dress as a plate for pizza rolls last night
THEY DIDN'T THROW MY PORN AWAY!!!!
I'm the kind of gay who carries his anxiety medication in case the club scene gets too fierce
I can't possibly be the only person who has ever eaten Cheetos with a spoon to avoid the powder getting in my fingers
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I'm eating cold pizza from work and drinking beer from a wine glass trying to decide if I want to shower or just rub one out and go to sleep. How have I ever gotten laid?
Because you're really hot before taking the time to actually get to know you.
Randomize
