ugh. my soul tastes like vodka
puking up blue gatorade is not as nearly as much fun as it sounds
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
then out of nowhere we heard a voice yell "Fuck that pussy!"
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
Tonight will bring shame to my future grandchildren.
I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
You haven't lived until you've watched a retriever try to bring back the condom you just threw in its master's garbage
Want to go home, so casually slip my underwear in his pocket. Never seen him grin so big and say goodbye to his friends.
Really? I thought your parents stopped loving you when you drunkenly fell through the ceiling...
The 78 year old woman who works next to me divorced her ex husband, remarried her first husband, and retired all in one day. I'd say it makes your breakup on Valentine's day pretty insignificant.
Sorry about the whole your mom seeing my face up your ass situation
The fact that the praying hands are in my top emojis defines how 2016 is going so far
So he cheated on his gf again. For the third time. Second time with me. HE CRIED WHILE DRIVING ME HOME BECAUSE HE CHEATED ON HER. And I laughed the entire way. Good god I'm an asshole.
Randomize
