sleeping like a two year old who chased ambien with a bottle of whiskey.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.
I kind of drew a blank when the doctor asked me how I got super glue up my nose.
I feel like I have to sign a death waver before I have sex with him...
This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.
You've ruined popcorn for me.
Tell him "come over but don't bring a flaccid dick"
Wear something tight
You what they say. One dick in the hand is better than two in the bush
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Oh my god, it's like someone broke the off button in my butthole
The Wolf of Wall Street “I ain’t fuckin’ leaving!” speech when the cops broke up your party though...
You guys go ahead and have your romantic night. I'm gonna keep my vday tradition alive of angry banging a stranger.
And thanks for putting me in that safety position on the bathroom floor while I was spooning the toilet
Glitter fights sound a lot funner in theory.
You told me not to tell you found out you're pregnant..
Randomize
