a guy in a toll booth on I-90 told me to fuck off for not being a red sox fan. i am going to miss massachusetts very much.
Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?
One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.
You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.
You know how there are wrinkles in your brain? What if they were filled with potato chips? That's kind of how my head feels now.
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
You gave your boss a bj to get the safe employee of the month award?
You straight up wore me out. This should be a proud moment for you. It's almost like my penis is asking for a timeout. But not really
He gave me the choice between a threeway with his best friend or a tiny turtle. Unfortunately I chose the threeway.
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
MIDGETS
????
I'm like 'WOMAN, YOU'RE 62, RESHEATH THOSE COUGAR CLAWS.'
can we fuck so we can live up to our nicknames for eachother?
Randomize