If we don't get kicked out of this hotel tonight for fucking too loud we're breaking up
She washed her feet in the sink at white castle. I want this girl in my life.
Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.
Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.
Archery is over so let's go back to not giving a fuck for the next 3 years and 11 months
Shaving my legs with an ankle monitor on is surprisingly more difficult than the drunk driving that got me here
At least your night didn't end with three cops seeing your ass and you sitting on the ground in a wig throwing your shoes at people
If I don't have tequila in my hand soon, I'm going to have to violate human rights laws
I saw this news story about two naked Satanists being arrested so I thought I should ask if you need bail money or pants
You know just a typical night. Eating peanut butter off of tablespoons and having sex to our favorite Christmas carols. This is my favorite time of year.
You insisted that your middle name was "velociraptor" for 20 minutes and every time someone said something you tried to relate it to velociraptors. That kind of drunk.
Being in the club with your moms drunk friends > having a healthy relationship with your mom
On the bright side, only one more day until we aren't sober anymore.
you were so high you asked for half double stack and half crispy chicken sandwich "welded together" in the wendy's drive through
I mean, I was expecting a little more coke snorting and a little less kids and cake
Randomize
