just tell him i said nine months
The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.
It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.
He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."
I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Beer bonging to Ave Maria
Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
These last 48 hours have just been about deleting my most recent snap story
I stepped in puke last night then washed it off my shoe with beer. Is there a grace period to respect before wearing them to class?
I'm in Florida in a retirement community the fuck am I supposed to do but watch tv and disgrace Jesus
HE CHOSE A RESTAURANT AND MADE A FUCKING RESERVATION. I AM SHOOK
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
Randomize
