Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
I am going to be the most sexually active ladybug that he has ever seen
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.
He came on me while singing crank dat like soulja boy, fuck our sex life has reached a whole new level of low
Classy. Drunk on alcoholic "energy drink" at work before 8 am on a Tuesday. Between that and hanging out in bars with no pants on, your life is beginning to sound like a Bukowski novel.
Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.
just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving
If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.
Walk of shame. Stopped at an estate sale on the way back to the house. Old lady pulled a condom wrapper of the back of my hoodie. beat that
I just finished packing for spring break, took me 4 minutes. To be fair though I only put my trunks, a pair of underwear, and 50 condoms in my bag.
You kept purposefully giving me wrong directions, laughing, then yelling at me for taking directions from a drunk person.
what do we think the timeline is for when your liver will begin to revolt against your drinking habits?
As a gift to myself for being so awesome at being single, I'm going to buy a vibrator
You made me promise I wouldnt let you play "fuck fuck goose" with a 40 year old ever again.
Randomize
