my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
i just used shampoo as lube. why? because i'm worth it.
Just found a shot glass and plan b in my backpack...
Im guessing the shot glass is for plan c?
someone just broke into my class and invited everyone to the bar ...now we're filling out a police report. awesome.
There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.
I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.
Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?
You know how girls with huge tits have back problems? Do you get knee problems or something?
He smashed a plastic chair leg on a tree stump, threw himself into the side of our metal enclosure, stomped on the wreckage for a bit and then punched the fire.
She crossed her eyes and threw up into a glass while sitting at the bar. It was fifty shades of sketchy dude.
Thinking about wearing all black to the bar tonight since I'll be attending my liver's funeral.
My good Christian morals say no, but my complete disregard of anything related to religion says yes
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
DUDE NEVER CALL THE COPS BACK
I have nice boobs. Don't wanna deprive anyone of the experience.
You're a saint.
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