There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
I farted on Jack's balls last night. He got pissed and walked away cause he knew it was on purpose. I couldn't hold it in anymore.
my new years resolutions dont apply when im drunk
dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here
what the hell does that mean?
nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages
This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.
Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.
Bring beers. The password is "I brought beers" but you can't come in if you're a liar
If you come home soon there's a stripper in the shower. Don't be alarmed
He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.
Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?
You have mono. It's like being pregnant, your are excused from normal social niceties like responding to people.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
I'm just imagining Oprah like "you're popping a boner, and you're popping a boner...EVERYONE IS POPPING A BONER"
To get him to come she paid for his uber and promised that someone in the house would give him head. it worked
if you're wondering why I texted you some girl's name at 4 am it's because you wanted to Facebook stalk the girl who gave that Irish guy we met at the Chinese food place her license and said 'call me'
Watching South Park, doing sit-ups and drinking tequila. In other words, my night is going pretty good.
Randomize
