Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.
I had better be fucking involved with step four.
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
I feel like royalty, that girl from last night had a vajazzled vag. Bucket list complete.
I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn
Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?
In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions
The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend
He did not appreciate the "you did reuse the diamond" comment when looking at his new fiance's ring.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
He just pulled out my weave during sex....needless to say I'm embarrassed and in need of another shot pronto
my biography would be titled "haunting truths and dick jokes: a tale of love, loss, and masturbation."
So here's a brief summary of my weekend: last night I drank four glasses of Death Punch, grabbed the toaster, said "This is mine", put it in my pants and walked out the front door.
Well the streak is over, I saw a penis today
Life should not be this hard with a dick this big.
Is it bad that we left the kid passed out on the bus? I think his name was texas. I was too drunk to be questioning this.
We told him to puke in the Denny's parking lot or we wouldn't be his friend anymore. So he did. He wasn't even drunk.
Randomize
