I'd wear matching sweaters with you
Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"
he refuses to go down on me anymore when he's high because he thinks my clit piercing stares at him
Can someone please explain to me why I woke up looking like Ziggy Stardust
last night he was wasted watching Entourage and changed everyone in his phone book to LLOYD!!!!
you said grace in the diner. 5am, drunk, grace. you thanked the man w the mushroom cut for the wonderful supply of screwdrivers
I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before
I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics
I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.
Her boyfriend was wrestling another girl. But, she said she was okay with it because she kept checking for boners--w the back of her hand like she was checking for a fever
My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"
I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess
the bride at the wedding we just crashed said we can stay only if we strip for her. You need to get down here
WHAT GOOD IS APPRECIATING IF NOBODY'S NAKED
At this point I think you're just judging my taste in men
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