On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Apparently I was playing rock paper scissors against myself for 2 hours in the bathroom mirror.
She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.
you were sitting on the floor eating oats. how should i react?
Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.
You don't understand. He was so ginger that he could make red hair a dominant gene. And I refuse to torture my future spawn like that.
After I was arrested and in the back of the squad, she lit a cig. I politely stuck my head through the glass opening and asked for a drag. She instantly slammed my head back, blew smoke at me and shut the glass. My view on state trooper chicks is forever tainted.
Sorry about the picture of wills balls via snapchat last night btw
either he just commented on my nose ring or he's offering me cocaine, I honestly can't tell
I gave her two orgasms and then we laid there and she ate jelly beans out of my belly button...that girls a keeper
Currently watching high school football on ESPN. Drink every time they say 'this kid's got potential' or 'look at this kid go' or 'atta kid' We're done for..
He referred to our sex as "an Olympic event." My tits are bruised.
DESTROY DICK DECEMBER\nTHE SUN SHINES ON THE THIRSTY
I teamed up with my vagina. I compromised his morals and then she corrupted him for good. It’s been a very successful and slutty partnership
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