I think we need to take a brake
What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'
Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake
I got three cases. When they asked for id I said it was suspended for drunk driving.
I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night
I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.
I just looked at the guy in the car next to me and he was wearing a divers mask. We just nodded cause we both understood.
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
Apparently "I have the beer shits" isn't the excuse my boss wanted to hear. So sue me
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
HOW DID ALL OF US MISS THE OBVIOUS: I'LL SHAKE YOUR SPEARE
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
He offered me my choice of the Abe Lincoln or Ben Franklin dick pic.
Also, apparently I'm only coherent when I'm drunk sexting. And then I'm grammatically perfect and impressively eloquent.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
I'm not gonna lie, but for some reason I have this strong desire to watch porn with my pint of haagen das.
Randomize
