one day I'm really going to regret not using the boners I got in planes and cars
the only reason i even kissed her was because we were having sex when it midnight, and i heard people yelling "happy new year."
you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them
My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.
I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.
There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.
did we cross streams again? the only thing I remember is seeing a dick
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
they were having sex on the toilet apparently and everytime someone knocked they flushed. it was like an auditory scoreboard of sex duration.
My class coordinator for bio told us that the only thing we should do the night before an exam is to get laid. And then party down after the exam. I like him.
There is not enough whiskey in the world to get me through what happened on Pretty Little Liars tonight.
First world problems.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
I think we might need a safe word for this...
I'm going to tell you something and I want no judgement because it's america day and I'm wearing an American flag bathing suit but...I woke up in a yard.
Randomize
