after watching ten minutes of "the decision," I conclude that King Lebron has more influence on America than Barak Obama. I love our countries values.
She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome
Come over. Drunk tacos.
That isn't even a sentence.
I kept the important parts.
she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
when seducing a hipster, do you think taking a nude pic on a lomo-camera app would increase my chances? grainy off-colored boobs and telling him how much i like reading salinger?
My gut is currently telling me that Jesus did not intend for us to eat shrimp pad thai on Easter
Is this a considering it or regretting it text?
I just shit out what feels like an entire shrimp with claws and all. You tell me.
Yes. That was the exact moment of my conscience clicking into instant high alert.
Just met my French neighbor. We watched a crow die together, so we're pretty tight.
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Well waking up naked, covered in Chex mix is not how I planned to start my Wednesday if that's what you're getting at.
I'm trying to watch Chicago PD and tell you I like your dick at the same time. It's a lot of work, ok?
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
Became friends with a girl at work today until I realized we have the same taste in men. And I thought only I liked red-bearded fat men
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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