I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.
I've slipped into the part of my life where I am not having sex to get Phils tickets from this chick. I need to seriously rethink my life decisions
Haunted Houses: fun, lame, or love to sneak off and get fingered in the dark alley way?
i wonder if cab drivers are trained in the art of delivering girls back to their dorms on Saturday mornings. because mine was so nice that he dropped me off at the back of my building so no one would see me.
Can we talk about how i am holding a tupperware container of my own puke in the back of my grandparents car while my sister drives
I wish I'd realized he looked like Skrillex before I was already in the middle of fucking him...
As much of a hooker as I am you don't slam where you drink
She's blowing me while I'm watching air jaws. I love shark week.
He started talking about getting a puppy together. So of course I went down on him later
What do you mean not that crazy? I had sex last night. with my\nBOSS. in the restaurant where we WORK.... ON A DINNER TABLE.
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
hi, I love you... and I'm sorry your floor is covered in popcorn, your cabinet is broken, all your alcohol is gone, you're 80 dollars poorer, everything in your bedside table is soaked in beer, austin slept in your bed in those disgusting underwear, I made out with your toilet seat, and for talking to your mom with a four loko in my hand
I dont know which is weirder.. the fact that i just watched our mom kick ass at beer pong and ride the pole like a true fire girl or the fact that ive never felt closer to her in my life.
This whole brainwashing thing is easy!
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