I'm half single.
Please tell me it's the bottom half.
I woke up this morning with I hate myself feeling
Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever
She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister
he looked upset that i wasn't completely shaven. i reminded him he had begged. and beggars can't be choosers.
He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.
Please don't be alarmed by the blood on my arms and phone in the morning. It's not mine.
This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.
We're about to go to a party titled 'Night of 1000 Jello Shots".
Still slightly drunk, sitting in Hyde park village. Two small children are dancing and singing "call me maybe" on the fountain in front of me. Am I hallucinating?
In the store looking for it now. They put the theatre/script section right next to the gay erotica section. Rude. Practical, but rude.
Is there a polite/non-lush way to ask how alcohol ranks on their list of priorities? Because like idk how to break the ice furreal.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Remember I am not doing blow tonight. I REPEATE NO COCAINE unless I do it with your mom
I really love you. Like, more than tequila...& we both know that's my favorite.
Highlight of the day: got a bunch of drunks to sing baby shark.
Randomize
