I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
he broke up with me so i peed in his bed
she was definitely wearing a bumpit. i think it was the hollywood bumpit. i told her that i lived with my parents to get outta taking her home.
I woke up covered in BBQ sauce. My hand had "you win" written on it. Do I celebrate?
and you tried to get a free burrito from Potbelly's
Everytime I cough, my tampon falls out a little bit. Does this mean I'm loose?
Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Watching the blind side bc I need a good cry to make sure I'm still human after this weekend's questionable life choices
I'm only fucking women born in the 90s this summer
The dominatrix coworker is currently listening to pop music that has been translated into an Irish dialect and sung by high school kids. Every day gets weirder here.
you were huddled over the toilet, throwing up, and every few seconds you'd look up and say "this is such a waste of vodka" then put your head back down and start puking again
I'm going to blackout. I realize this
Randomize
