You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.
I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.
Emergency need house key where r u I just got shit o n
Just thought to myself "I should practice shotgunning a beer before Wednesday." I don't think my GPA is going to like this semester.
If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.
So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?
I don't care if I just threw up. You kiss me now. This is marriage.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I really think that guy just walks around with tennis balls in his pocket. No dick is that big
The door opens out but somehow she managed to kick it in..
I am not betting on the failure of any friend that is not you.
How do I go about this? "Hey, its my birthday in 40 minutes. Would you like to come over for some sex? Also, please bring snacks"?
Finally had sex in the new kitchen. Burnt the hamburgers and hit myself in the face with the freezer door. Worth it.
It's whatever. Titanic is about to be on and we have wine, which is basically crying juice. Leo, Kate, and I will be having a lovely, pants free evening.
if it wasn’t 100% before, it is now that i will most definitely die a quesadilla related death
For now I'm a single mom monday-thursday and a drunk looking for dick the rest of the week
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