I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.
what did you do?
i asked her out. that's so hot.
New pre-game routine....wal-mart bathrooms...quality beers for free...hallelujah
You tried to tell her that the salad was an afrodisiac then proceeded to stroke yourself with the feather duster
Got him to take a shot from the drip pan on the George Forman. He's gone now.
I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.
There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.
come home. i made deep-fried hotdogs; don't let me die alone.
Nothing like drunkenly buying a pregnancy test at 8 am to get out and realize your nip was out the whole time.
Just walked by the barren window naked in a family neighborhood. Who needs dignity.
You've got until 8 and then I'm kicking down your door and pouring a beer down your ass via funnel
did I ever tell you about my gay jesus theory?
What have I told you about trying to use Jesus as your wingman?!
I'm eating animal crackers on my bed next to my vibrator writing about the hopelessness and depravity of humanity. I am LIVING.
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed...
Randomize
