there hasn't been a girl guy ratio this good since a guy jumped on one of the Titanic life rafts
i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt
It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.
He still lectured me about forgetting shit. Than he said he's gonna paint me green so I can stand in a corner and be a plant.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Don't ask how or why, but I think the 775 on the inside of my lip is permanent
So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...
He was in the middle of making out with two girls at once, but then the guy next to me said "I feel like I'm watching Animal Planet" he stopped to give him a high five
just tried to scoop ice cream with a steak knife. now in the emergency room with a the cab diver and the drag queen he picked up on the way. its gonna be a loooong day.
I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I achieved maximum drunk last night. It was pretty extreme. Woke up on a couch, outside, in a suit
one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
Randomize
