Leaving the dealer's house. He just gave me a sincere hug and said good luck. This cant end well.
I just hotboxed my laundry basket.
Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
Don't feel bad, we're professionals and we just housed burgers in burger king singing I believe I can fly
Kristy just reminded me that I have a bottle of champagne to lick off your ass hole...... This is by way of saying that we have plans on Friday.
I slept with someone only because he got my Simon Birch impression. It was a new low.
You said you couldn't look at me because you would have to take off your sunglasses but you can't because they're the "guides to your eyes".
She tried to subtly measure me, but I noticed. She told me I barely made the cut otherwise there would have been just a handshake as a parting gift.
oh btw ur so lucky i got stoned and passed out or we sooo would have bedazzled your dick while you slept. just sayin.
He meowed while sucking on my nipple, it got even weirder when he said he was trying to moo.
You said, "I'll have this whole island inside of you by 6 AM. Just point out who you want and I'll make it happen."
I'm not drinking for the rest of the week. I need discipline, celery, dick, and a bible.
I woke up and found my apartment really clean, appearantly drunk me couldn't tolerate living there anymore and left sober me a lot of insulting post-its...
Apparently when you start crushing adderall and blending them into your margaritas calling them blenderalls you have "a problem" WTF
Randomize
