i just saw an asian skipping down the street and it made me think of you
if i see another status about New Moon, i'm gonna punch a baby
Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.
My vagina just recognized that song.
I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.
His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.
Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.
surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.
Yeah I fingered her in the crowd and the dj saw it and gave me props over the speakers. I got so many high fives.
Now I can say "look me up on Pornhub."
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
He kept screaming "I am the thunder!" when he was riding me.
It feels weird going to sleep without hugging the toilet goodnight
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