i just heard the ice cream truck outside while mid-masturbation. i stopped and considered running outside to buy one.
there needs to be a "man fax report". like car fax. type in the guys name and bday and up pops all the bad shit he's ever done.
haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"
I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.
She was kind of put off because I kept calling her baby my spirit animal and staring hungrily at her breasts.
VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS
Woke up Christmas Eve morning with my face smelling like ballsack.. No regrets.
I'm 50% weirded out and 50% into it
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
Soooo I think my neighbor just saw me masturbating on my porch
so an orgy is about to happen in the next room if you wondered where i am currently at in life
Remember, today is also the anniversary of Harambe's death. D**** out.
Spencer just told me I got home and was opening beers with my teeth and trying to make pot butter
Went online to check my credit card... $147.87 at Waffle House. $632.36 at "Red Rose Gentleman's Club" and a $1000 cash advance from an ATM. I may no longer be a fiancé.
Randomize
