Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it
are u sure the monkey wasnt drunk too
dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I just looked at my iPhone gps history... "the gas station", "the park with a big scary fence", "the trampoline", and, my favorite, "where we were when we were about to do lines off a bible".
The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
I left for five minutes and Chris wound up half in women's clothes, half naked. And the naked half was covered in shamrock stickers.
What are your plans?
Get picked up. Convince you to leave work. Smoke. Drink. Fly helicopters.
Drank for free all night and I'm not even sleeping w the bartender. What is this magic?
And then she said "wanna make a vine of me twerking on the wall?"
I can't come. It's so cold my uterine walls have frozen together like a cherry popsicle.
I’ve cut back on drinking and now my body can’t fight off all the bad germs without the alcohol. That’s why I keep getting sick
The worst part is there are all kinds of happy creatures out here like fucking snow white and i'm sitting in semi-dead grass, hungover with a burnt butt
I just watched your fat stupid son get hit by a Prius. Ran right in front of it. He's all right . But... Maybe you should have taught him to look both ways like a responsible parent does.
Randomize
