Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
Whoever said drinking more helps a hangover didn't drink 96% of a fifth of whiskey last night. This is absurd.
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
All I could think about when I saw her was that she could be the mother of my future first round draft picks
Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.
Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night
My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?
you sternly forced jackson to start preheating the oven around midnight so you could make bagels in the morning
you were serious about those bagels
Btw, if I didn't have 3 limbs in restraints and my free hand offing myself with the pocket rocket, I would have snap chatted you. Next time.
Is it too early in the day to ask a nipple-related question?
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
We are the best cocktail. We look appealing, taste amazing, and ruin lives.
We're meant to be. Apparently God wants me to get dicked down pretty good too so I'm not complaining about destiny
i was so high when i left this morning that rather than make sandwiches i threw bread and peanut butter in my backpack. a whole loaf. and a whole jar
He had me sit on his face until I begged him to stop, then held me there 5 minutes longer. I rested my head on his chest, told him I needed time to recover....and slept for 6 hours. By the time I woke, he was already at work. I just sent him a countdown times until his shift is over.
Randomize
