Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
I just did the scooter of shame. New levels of embarrassment have now opened.
I took her to see 2012 then broke up with her, the movie was a metaphor.
you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.
i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.
Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?
Nah, just masturbating louder
I feel like this is going to result in some sort of tearing in my vagina.
Thats a chance were just gonna have to take
Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer
My ex was there, the 2 girls I'm seeing showed up and I had a pocket full of VIP passes 2 the strip club. Had all the makings of an epic night but I fell asleep at the bar.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Dilemas of the modern woman: deciding whether or not to write on your ex's wall for his birthday. This is serious.
So good!! I became real good friends with an adorable black lesbian couple from Baltimore and a man in a diaper.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
You told me you were with a dog dressed as a taco, and it was the only one you trusted
He totally fucked me in his Chewbacca socks
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