you know i'm gay cause i'd have sex with lady gaga. what straight man would say that?
I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was
and honestly a story about how you met your future husband that DOESN'T include the words "creeped him on facebook" is really not a story worth sharing
I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?
Come over, we're having a tea party. And by a tea party I mean we're drinking whiskey from tea cups.
Apparently after awhile self preservation trumps libido. This is new news to me.
The kind of drunk where you put two tampons in thinking that it'll last me longer ...
I am his drunk Jesus. I will love him from afar because he's my little lamb
A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...
When I am this hungover I become increasingly grateful for having my own private office
You know you're high when, "Why can't I steal the duck?!" Becomes a serious question.
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Randomize
