You can't hide fat with big sunglasses.
It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.
I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is
When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard
what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?
um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan
as you might have guessed from my lack of texts, the herpes have calmed down.
I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.
Why is it so hot and why are these the only pants in my life.
Were you citizens arresting people again last night?
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
Was not aware that standing loudly up off the couch and loudly, drunkenly slurring "I'M EIGHTEEN NOW BITCHES" counted as a primitive mating call.
i had to flash a cab last night.
did it work?
No. he slowed down but then kept going. story of my life.
just saw a girl run into an automatic sliding door, back up and try again
Wait... where the hell did you even find a live OCTOPUS, let alone green eggs and ham?
Randomize
