I got drunk at the beach today. I got the word Badass! tatooed all the way across my foot. Probably a bad idea.
Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.
i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.
Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.
I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.
Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.
Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?
He called his prostate his "boner button".
literally overdrew my bank account at 3 in the morning to eat subway with 7 sherriffs.
Fell twice in five points. on my face. literally during a cross walk. The cars just went around me. 21st birthday memories right there
Def went to work still drunk... the only comment i got was good to see you drinking more water...
His parents came home, and now I'm hiding in a closet; awaiting death at dawn.
You are always hiding in a closet though??
YOUR MANICOTTI IS FULL OF LIES
Sorry i meant to send that to my mom
I got home and he was wearing a suit. He said he reason was because it was shirt and tie Saturday and that he won't change until midnight. He then proceeded to answer the door in a British accent.
i did these weird ass ab exercises once that left me queefing for weeks
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