Who do you think planted the wheat? Who do you think cleared the land and killed off the native inhabitants? Women?
i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...
There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you
thats the coolest thing thats happened to my vagina since i dated that guy from portugal.
Breakfast tacos?
YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS
she's sniffed three people's necks on the bus to see who the good smell was coming from...
she's gonna get diseases
Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?
you're kidding right?
She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.
When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
IM SO HIGH RIGHT NOW, IM WHAT ROCKET MAN WANTED TO BE WHEN HE GREW UP. ELTON JOHN CAN BLOW ME.
ten seconds after he was done making out with the blonde, he rips off his jacket and screamed "Goddamn it, you know I like brunettes"
I have never seen someone so pissed at getting some. i called dibs so fuck him
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
we are the best best friends ever. You had sex in an ice cream truck I had sex in a fire truck
how do i say "cradle the balls" in Italian
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