I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.
just saw an advertisement for the rock in the tooth fairy...can you say rock bottom?
hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.
it was a krispy kreme
Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.
I have a strict rule of what enters my vajay. It's either sparkly, or human. Anything else and I draw the line. Standards.
true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"
Iron Man just asked me back to his place... Not sure I can handle this. Wish me luck.
Have you ever had chicken nuggets while high? Because it tastes like hearing the Beatles for the first time
Apparently she almost had an affair at Outback Steakhouse, details to follow when I get home but the apple really doesn't fall far from the tree
Well, he asked what my sign was, then proceeded to critique me on my beer pong stance... I really need to raise my standards.
Who's the naked guy asleep in your car?
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
she said she was so hungover this morning in a way that sounded like she was apologizing for thinking she was attracted to me last night...
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