Different chick, same blowjob, same parking lot.
i wish there were pregnant emoticons
I'll start drinking again when I know where I am
Thanks for stranding me with th douchebag award recipients
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.
Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
You told the cop you where the star of the Track team and tried to run away. So yeah, i'm not surprised.
me + whiskey = a bad person
Haha no we did it on his bed. Then rolled off into the bean bag. It was a strangely athletic performance on my behalf.
I'm at a loss. By loss I mean singing songs from Wicked and pretending I'm at the Oscars
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
If you can throw 105 mph it’s mandatory that you’re hung.
Why were there just 3 inflatable bounce houses delivered to my house?
oh shit.
Randomize
